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Dear Spit,
I am having trouble with my cobblers. I have no control over
them. Sometimes they are full but, more often these days, they are
empty. This leaves me feeling agitated and irrational. Sometimes I
will sit for hours trying to forcibly fill them. This occasionally
works and at other times leaves me with tears in my eyes, as I'm
sure you can imagine.
Please help!
Anon.
Dear Laughingboy,
First of all, let me assure you that you are not alone: I have
spoken to several young men recently, who seem to be having exactly
the same problems. Rest assured - you will NOT go blind.
There are several quite reputable clinics in Harley Street,
London, who can investigate your problem thoroughly and, it is to be
hoped, put your mind at rest. (The examination IS invasive; may
tickle somewhat; and you may limp for a while; BUT, this is a small
price to pay for peace of mind.)
(If there is a Lady in your life, I would counsel her to 'tread
carefully': these things have a habit of flaring up.
Good luck to you -
Spit.
Dear Spit,
I have been worried for some time now, I noticed this in the
kitchen, the other day, while I was whisking up a stiff one.
My dumplings do not seem to have the same effect as they did in
my younger days.
Is there any way I could make them more appealing?
I hope you can help me.
Mrs Miggins.
Dear Mrs. Miggins,
Have you tried HRT?
Regards,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I have become aware that I have become the object of some
unwelcome attention. While polishing my dibber the other day, I
heard a rustling in the bushes. I found Nurse Rachette in a state of
gay abandon, it appears she has developed a crush on me. How do I
tell her that I'm betrothed to another without destroying her
fragile state of mind?
Two Sheds Jackson.
Dear Two Sheds Jackson,
Firstly, if she is in a fragile state of mind, you MUST NOT
disappoint her... this could result in, "Total Unhingement".
Secondly, you must ask yourself, "Why
is she in the bushes - is this a GENUINE interest?":... she
might have taken up an interest in shrubs, or naturism. (Both
healthy pursuits for mind and body).
Thirdly, it is always POSSIBLE that she finds your dibber
irresistible: ...put it away! (Hide it in the onion patch)... an
unsheathed dibber is something which many women, (of a certain age),
find highly arousing.)
As to the matter of your betrothal:- take things very gently...
Nurse Rachette may have decided that you are her last chance in
life... introduce her to LaughingBoy or, if you are in total
desperation, to Dogbytes... make her see that life IS possible
without you.
(If she was indeed in a state of Gay abandon - there are several
female friends whom I could recommend: I hope this is not necessary,
but it may be the best thing for Rita)
Yours cordially,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
Whilst waiting for my cobblers to drop into my Boinc, my mind has
been wandering. I’ve spent many an hour, unhappily watching a
little ‘B’ tell me there’s no work, thinking about the great
unanswered mysteries of this planet. I’ve managed to answer most
of them (it was Laughingboy on the grassy knoll), but I’m stuck on
a couple. Can you help with this one:
Why is orange jam called marmalade?
Is there a good reason, or are we just being ponces?
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Fez,
As any well-educated person knows, Orange marmalade is so-called
to distinguish it from Grapefruit marmalade.
On the continent, they call everything marmalade - and wonder why
we Brits. get mad when presented with some Greengage concoction for
breakfast.
(If you really want to know, it comes from the Portuguese "marmelada",
which is Quince, and what we originally used. Since it would look
silly to put "Orageada" on a jar of jam - we stuck with
Orange marmalade instead).
There are a huge number of recipes for marmalade - none of which
have ever worked for me: I either get a nice runny sauce to pour on
ice-cream, or something disgusting which you can stand a spoon up
in.
Happy Jamming,
Spit
Dear Spit,
My Cobblers have disappeared, what can I do?
Some months ago, during a brief encounter at Carolyn's Clinic I
was distracted, but only for a second, by a haunting melody coming
from the examination room. When I regained my composure, to my
horror I found that my Cobblers had vanished, all 1800 of them. It's
only now some 10 months later that I've been able to talk about it
in public.
I have reason to believe that a woman was responsible for this
dastardly deed (at least I think it was) for as I turned to go back
to my room I was almost overcome by a sensuous perfume, the like
I've never experienced before. I fear she's holding my Cobblers in a
safe place until she decides what to do with them.
Are there any methods you could suggest I could use for their
safe return?
Yours' in anticipation...
Keith Stanley.
Dear Keith,
I have spent a great deal of time investigating your problem but,
alas, to no avail. I can only imagine that your cobblers have been
deposited in a Swiss Boinc Account using, as a key, an e-mail
address to which you cannot gain access.
Otherwise, the wearer of the sensuous perfume, may be into 'doing
Good Deeds' and has already dispersed your Cobblers: either to
Sudan, or the Salvation Army.
Alternatively, "Do you know of any
members of the Philharmonic Orchestra who seem to have recently
gained a great deal of weight?"
I can only say - keep your pecker up; and keep away from Ladies
of the night.
Yours, sympathetically,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I have this collection of inside telephone numbers of various
Boinc and Predictor Developers. My problem is that I have this urge
to post all of them on the various Seti, Predictor, and Climate
Boards. I am not under a signed NDA, but it would make their
miserable lives a greater misery if I posted them. I figure this
would be my way of sharing the grief that I have been experiencing
lately, in what appears to be a vain hope of furthering science and
research. But my computers are beginning to hate me because of all
the Boinc related torture that I'm putting them through. What should
I do? Please don't suggest I take a Valium, my Doctor won't give me
any; she says that I need de-worming.
Gaily yours,
Dogbytes aka The Alpha DOG
Dear Mr Bytes,
I feel I must counsel extreme caution in this matter. You may,
indeed, feel happier in yourself but, I fear your actions may prove
to be counter-productive, since valuable development time may be
taken up in the improvement of personal security by Berkeley Staff.
You may also lose the inestimable reputation which you have built up
in your diligent pursuit of Cobblers.
May I suggest instead, that you ring me personally and have a
good whine, dog to dog: at least we understand each other, and can
share the grief which others may not feel so severely as yourself.
Yours, with an affectionate sniff,
Spit
Dear Spit,
I’ve managed to find the stats for my old account at Seti. My
trouble is that the password I use for such things (and have used
since the mid 90’s) isn’t recognised by the system. There is the
safety net, ‘forgotten your password?’ button, but that involves
Seti sending my password to an email account that’s no longer
active!
Is there any way to recover the credit for 3477 CPU hours of
work, or am I destined to look like a newbie for all eternity?
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Spit,
I think I’ve got one of my cobblers stuck in my Boinc… It was
one of the first batch I received, but has not been sent back to the
mothership. It’s progress is 100% and has had a status of ‘ready
to report’ for some time.
Other work units have come and gone, but this one refuses to
‘phone home’. I’ve tried doing the update thingy, but I
can’t convince it to move into the transfers window. Please help!
Dave 'Fez' Parker
Dear Fez,
I am afraid your questions are of a technical nature, and I
probably know a great deal less than you...
There are many tragic; nay hysterical; messages on the Seti
boards from people just as yourself who, having lost their email
accounts, cannot persuade the good folks at Berkeley that they are
who they claim to be.
Is there any way you can resurrect your old email address; just
for long enough to log in to your old account and change the address
to a new one?
If not - what can I say? Nothing will bring them back - but you
KNOW you crunched them, and can at least take pride in that,
...despite the fact that no-one else will.
As to your jammed cobbler, (sounds nice):- again this is a matter
of which I know little. These things usually heal themselves with
time.
Try a little WD40.
Yours cordially,
Spit
Dear Spit,
To paraphrase an old saying, "Idle CPUs are the Devil's
playground."
While waiting, and waiting, and waiting for Cobblers to drop into
my BOINC, I've busied myself in other intellectual pursuits.
Among them, I've discovered a method to reverse-engineer BOINC WUs
in such a way that they appear to be voice signals ... saying,
"Surrender or DIE!" in the obscure Calo dialect used by
Portuguese gypsies.
Question - Does anyone at U.C. Berkeley speak Calo? Or, is
it possible my ruse may fool them ... and that future uploaded WUs
modified in this manner will fool them into thinking contact has
been made? And in turn, would they forward this contact to our
National Security people, who, after translation, would be fooled
into thinking an alien invasion is imminent?
THE CAT
Dear Cat,
I'm sorry to report that I have, myself, attempted to have a
conversation with a Portugese gentleman on the IRC channel: getting
as far as; Who are you; What are you asking; Sorry I don't speak
Portugese...
Therefore - these people are OUT THERE, and Berkeley will rush to
them to find a Calo speaker, who will undoubtedly say, "What
rubbish - the syntax is incorrect and, anyway, Surrender is spelt
wrong".
Also, I can't believe that your National Security people would be
TOO concerned at the threat of being invaded by Portugese Gypsies.
I suggest you turn your attention to New Guinea - which boasts
more languages than you can shake a stick at:- and not many PC's, so
no-one is likely to turn up on the boards.
Good Luck - I'm off to build my bomb shelter now...
Yours, in reverse,
Tips.
Dear Spit!
I have for a long time been one of your greatest fan, so I'll
take this opportunity to request a small bit of your immense wisdom.
I crunch well, my cobblers are fine, my WU's are coming and
going, and my credits are coming fluently, so I don't have anything
to worry about. Should I be worried about this?
I have, since I started to crunch, been with a family, where I
wasn't taken care of. I only crunched for their name, and I never
got anything from them, so even Cinderella looked like a spoiled
child compared to my situation there! Then I found out that I was a
stepchild and I managed to find my real family, where I was received
with open arms. So now I'm with my beloved family, happily crunching
and everything looks good! SETI-life is not bad at all! But should I
be worried of not being worried at all???
Dear Spit, please give me some comfort here in all my worries!!!
Your big fan,
Lena
Dear Lena,
We seem to share a similar background: I, too, started life in
unhappy circumstances and languished in idleness on a shelf in the
King's Road, Chelsea. The only highlights of my otherwise tedious
days tended to involve being pushed around by small children,
accompanied by cries of, "Here, Mum... come and look at this
Really Stupid Dog". There I sat; brain the size of a planet,
(Pluto); with nothing to do except look at my toes, and contemplate
the salvation of Mankind. I was worried.
Then, one day, I was rescued by a tolerably nice couple and
allowed to live in their cupboard in Essex. When not doing duty as a
draught excluder, they let me have a go on their computer; although
they were a bit worried at what I might do, and got rather fed up
with having to clean the keyboard after prolonged spells of
'nose-typing'. I was beginning to worry too: I had quietly loaded
SETI and then BOINC and began to realise that I might have unleashed
a monster. When it was just me, (and Maurice, my pet mouse),
crunching SETI they didn't take too much notice, but when BOINC came
along they began to take an unhealthy interest in my cobblers. She
bought herself a laptop, so as to have a clean keyboard. (Unkind!).
Ancient computers started to appear in the hall, to happy yells of,
"Great! We've just been given another one". (Worrying).
She even bought Him a laptop for Christmas. (More worry). THEN -
they expected me to network the blinking things... ME!! Hmmph! I lay
awake in my cupboard worrying for nights on end: I worried people on
the Board; people in Forums; peopl e by
e-mail: and nearly worried Google to death.
So - I finally get all these boxes whizzing or wheezing away,
(depending on age), and they say, "Hey Spit... why don't you
rebuild the old ones?"
Now: I don't have a magnetic nose with interchangeable bits;
don't know my USB from my MOBO; and am deeply afraid that I may be
expected to do a spot of fan-dancing. I am worried... VERY worried.
I should think that you have fallen on your feet:- TFFE Balls
tend to be pretty big, and go on and on forever... so there will be
no strokes at midnight and you will not turn into a pumpkin. Your
cobblers should continue to rattle and roll; your credits will pile
up; and your 'Worry Units' will go quietly up and down in the
background, so long as you don't fiddle with them. Be Happy... Don't
Worry !
(Leave that to me.)
Yours, worriedly
Spit.
Dear Spit,
Now you have the extended service of general advice,
there's something I want to ask your opinion about: Upbringing
children!
I'm sure you have a lot of experience in that field, as I think
you have bred up to several litters of puppies before you came to
live with your family, and even after (they haven't brought you to
the vet having THAT done to you, have they???), so I'm curious what
you might have to say about the best way to upbring children to be
responsible, mature, well-mannered adults?
Best regards
Fuzzy Hollynoodles
P.S. Feel free to correct my English, if it's broken here or
there.
Dear Ms F. Hollynoodles,
Bringing up children is not much I know about; other than 'try to
keep both ends reasonably clean'.
Puppies, on the other paw, I know more about :-
1) Do not lie on them.
2) Only feed them if you feel like a good lie-down: or, when all
else fails.
3a) When in doubt; growl: 3b) when infuriated; nip: 3c) when all
else fails; grasp firmly by scruff of neck, shake hard and growl at
same time.
4) In desperation, deposit at bottom of deep hole, or put in
cage, and refuse to feed until they behave. Do not feed before
repeating step 3c) above.
5) Teach early the meaning of the word, "NO!" (by
repeating step 3c) above).
6) Teach early that all small humans, (and kittens, and caged
birds), can be allowed to do exactly what they please.
7) Teach to wait until fed... especially, do not steal from
Humans or Cats... retribution will surely follow!
8) Learn ASAP to beg; smile; roll over and play dead; and look
appealing with big soppy eyes.
9) Never snarl - unless asked to.
10) Be NICE to Postmen and other Delivery People... (when in full
view: otherwise do whatever you can get away with).
11) Defend your family with your life.... otherwise, where will
the next meal come from?
12) Be careful with sexual liaisons... fur colour and general
appearance can be a dead-giveaway!
Hope these tips help... your methods may vary :)
Yours, paternally,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
In your extended service apart from your agony column, you
ask people to write and ask for your advise. So I'm doing this.
You see, it's my birthday next week, and I haven't come up with
an idea of what to give myself for my birthday present. I usually
give myself good presents, as no one else does, f.ex. last Christmas
I got The Lord of the Rings, The return of the King, the extended
DVD, coming with a figure of Minas Tirith, (I'm sure Hammy will
approve my choice!), and some other things I'd wished for, but this
time my imagination is totally blank!
So, do you have some suggestions for my birthday present for
myself?
With thanks
Fuzzy
Dear Fuzzy,
Well, in my opinion, you can't beat a good marrowbone, or a
replacement Frisbee, (mine's getting a little frayed round the
edges).
However, that's probably not the sort of
thing you're looking for... So:-
1) The Joy of Socks, (complete with line drawings).
2) Nanny Ogg's Cookbook
3) Kevlar Body Armour
4) RAM - the more, the merrier... (you can have fun with one, but
two or more are better)
5) Self-defence - for Dummies
6) BOINC - for Dummies
7) Bonk - for Experts
8) A good day out on eBay, and hang the expense
9) A can of hair-straightener
I could go on, but I'm not sure where your interests lie....
email me again with further details, if you like?
Happy Birthday,
Spit.
Dear Spit,
I am overwhelmed by large amounts of "Mumble here and your
brain will melt" work units, which makes reaching my deadlines
for all projects very difficult. Can you give me advice on what I
can do about this?
At present I am crunching 7 BOINC projects on my 486, it would
always reach deadlines, but something has changed and I cannot put
my finger on it.
Maybe that you, with your infinite wisdom, can straighten my path
of enlightenment.
Ageless.
Dear Grasshopper,
Confucious he say, "Man who tries to crunch 7 BOINC projects
on a 486 is a 'sirry iriot'.
That having been said and, my not being either a technical person
or a Confucion, I can only suggest that you lower your 'connect to
server time' to something REALLY low... like between 0.1 and 0.5 per
day: this means that BOINC realises when things cannot be done in
the time, and so doesn't try to DL too much work. The hush project
seems to be a bit of an idiot in this respect....
There is also a complicated thread, which my tiny brain cannot
begin to understand, about setting Bounds. I think it's on the CPDN
board... but I could well be wrong, (as usual).
Either way... just rake your stone garden, and meditate a bit....
(or kick the cat; or - if you dare - Holly).
Have a nice cup of tea with yak butter....
Yours; orientally,
Lobsang Spit
Dear Spit,
I have a question on bath mat etiquette. My wife and I have
regular
arguments over the correct use of the bath mat and I'm afraid you
are our
last hope.
I believe that the bath mat is there to be stepped on as soon as
you finish
in the bath/shower and then start towelling off, leaving the mat
wet from
where the water has dripped off you and run down your legs. My
beloved
believes that you should towel off in the bath/shower (after
turning the
water off of course) and then stepping on to the bath mat leaving
it nice
and dry. We have had quite heated arguments / dissagreements over
it, but I
just cannot see her logic. HELP!
Your friend downunder,
Paul (TheGasGiant).
Dear TGG,
I'm sorry to say that, in my case, a jolly good shake is all that
is
required so, bath mat or not, the water goes EVERYWHERE!
From personal experience, I can report that exactly the same
argument seems
to prevail in this house - I think it must be a 'sex thing'; in
the same way
as men always put their sweaters on differently from women.
If you like standing on a nice, dry bath mat then you must always
be sure to
let your beloved have the first bath: otherwise, adopt the
towel-off-first
method: how hard can it be? To be even kinder, you can then throw
your
towel over the bath mat, before finally stepping out to dry your
feet.
If I were your wife, I would hide the bathmat! (You can breed a
lot of
germs in a damp bathmat!)
Yours hygienically,
Spit
Dear Spit!
Because I lately came across an issue raised by a very narrow
minded person, I want to ask for your opinion on relationships
between people where the age difference is substantially bigger than
usual.
I think you as a young dog may have had relationships with dogs
of your parents generation, and later with young dogs who has been
puppies, when you were in your prime! Did you see any problems in
this and what might they have been, if there was any?
If you are mating with a young puppy or young dog, would that be
any different than when you are mating a dog of your own age or a
dog of the age of your parents? Of course, mating a younger dog, it
must be strange to know that you were around and mating others when
your mate wasn't even born yet, and the opposite, that your mate is
on about the same age as your parent dogs??
So, Spit, please share with us your experience and wisdom about
this?!
Regards
Ms Noodles
Dear Ms Noodles,
I can't apologise enough for the delay in this reply: I was only
reminded when my Pixie started jumping up and down, and then stuck
out it's tongue and started sulking.....
As a general principle, the answer is perfectly
straightforward.....
1) When you are young - older is better;
2) The older you get - younger is better;
3) Same age can be boring;
4) When all else fails, anything will do...
Personally, I have tried all four: currently on 2) and very happy
with it.
(Of course, we Dogs have no problems with moral codes - so no
need to worry there, then.)
Cordially Yours, (Older but happier, and still going strong),
Spit
Dear Spit
While being chained to a shopping trolley at the weekend and
while my other half did the shopping I became alarmed on the
discovery in a Bakers shop that bakers are selling Cobblers. Having
read that Keith had lost 1800. I wondered. Is there someone out
there with the truth? because I've been told that the truth is out
there.
Is someone stealing Cobblers to sell? Or are they being bred in
captivity and then being sold in the shops for illicit purposes? or
worse Is someone out there buying Cobblers to experiment on?
Since then I have discovered that Cobblers can even be obtained
at Supermarkets.
I am worried that if this trend continues in the future we may
have a world shortage of Cobblers. (Maybe BOINC could create a
programme to forecast the possible extinction of Cobblers?) Please
put my mind at rest because recently I have considered the idea of a
starting a 'Save our Cobblers Campaign' before its too late.
Yours worse for wear
Dill the Dog
Awaiting Spits' response.
Dear Spit,
I don't really have a BOINC related question to submit to you
right now, but I am quite curious as to how you acquired the given
name of "Spit"? And do you have a surname by chance, and
if so may I ask what it is?
Sincerely yours,
nevermorestr "the genealogy nosy guy"
Awaiting Spits' response.
Dear Spit
I have a problem, well my boyfriend says i have, he said i need
to seek medical advice because it is not healthy for a young lady to
enjoy crunching cobbles as much as i do. He says he is really
worried, well i should be the one that's worried, he has taken up a
dangerous sport, and i only found out when we had a fight about me
crunching cobbles, he said it is almost like a fetish. Well i asked
him to show me his helmet and he refused, telling me that it is
tucked away inside a box to keep it safe. well i take pride in the
way i look, and i want my man to look good too, and he has a
wonderful smile, so being the good girl i am, i think he should let
me polish his helmet and put a smile on his face, so he feels good
about himself, and worries less about my cobble crunching. i mean
fetish? maybe OCD but not fetish surely.
any tips how to solve my fetish? or how to get him to allow me to
polish his helmet? I though of waiting till he was in the shower but
he locks the door and has the box and his helmet in there with him,
now who's got OCD.
Samantha Pia
Awaiting Spits' response.
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